Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Waiting Game 40 weeks 3 days

I feel a sense of many different emotions right now. I of course feel the excitement that naturally comes with a new baby, but I feel many others along with that. It's a strange dynamic that the end of pregnancy causes in my brain. I am easily aggravated. I feel like the littlest thing can set me off. Which in turn causes a feeling of anxiety, partly because I ultimately don't know what's going to happen after this baby comes (or during this baby's entry into our world) but also because I don't know what my boiling point is. I sometimes feel like maybe my pot might boil over and I might just completely freak out on the person nearest to me (which is sadly, usually my husband), and I even find myself truly having to verbally remind myself not to freak out on the kids in the middle of their screaming rampages against eachother, that could usually be avoided if they all weren't trying to boss each other around and take things from eachother, but I guess this is something we all learn in time and I can't expect them to completely grasp it when I am still learning to come to terms with that myself (the bossing part- I'm not one to take things from people).

The end of a pregnancy can be really hard. It's always hard for me. I want to just take that next step. I want to feel normal. I want to not be pregant anymore. and MY GOD there is so much pressure! Everyone wants to know when the baby is coming as if I have some sort of psychic ability to know when it will happen. Really? I mean if I really knew when this baby was going to come I wouldn't have been giving people a 2-3 wk range of possible arrival dates. I wouldn't be sitting here feeling like it's never going to happen. when people call to ask "are you still pregnant?" or "haven't you had that baby yet?" I seriously contemplate just hanging up for a second. I mean seriously, if I haven't called to say "hey it's a boy/or it's a girl" then there is a pretty good chance I haven't had the baby yet. and believe me, I am more anxious for this to be done than you are!

Usually when days go by for most pregnant women, they feel one day closer to having their baby, but I really just feel one day further away. I am definitely not myself right now. I don't think the people around me truly understand that. I can completely understand why induction seems like "the answer" for alot of women, because it sucks to be this freakin pregnant!!! If I wasn't completely educated about how bad inductions can be, I would probably have done it again and again because I am not one to enjoy being pregnant.

BUT the truth is, I am educated about those risks and I made the educated choice to have another natural, unmedicated home birth. Along with these choices comes the responsibility of waiting until my body and this baby are truly ready. And I know that when the time does come, it will be the right time and that all these feelings I am experiencing now will melt away when I see my baby for the first time. I know and I do trust, even beyond my fears, that my body is completely capable of birthing this baby the way that it should without high technology and augmentation. I know it will be soon and it will be perfect, I just hate waiting for the perfect stuff!