fears

I guess I am needing to write down some fears as I think that is why I am getting so anxious about going overdue. I think if I make a statement of what I am fearful about I can relax and let something happen or at least just stop worrying about it.

I am not in any way fearful of giving birth. I am not afraid of tearing or bleeding. I feel I am equipped to handle the normal things that people fear in birth.

It does not scare me to go overdue but I am afraid of giving in to the thought that maybe I might not get regular contractions, or maybe it might be a longer labor than I imagined. I had such a short labor with lexi but after Wednesday, when I was so sure I was going to enter the hard labor phase any minute, It makes me realize that I could very well labor for several hours. With Lexi's birth, I was already further dilated several weeks before where I am now.

I am afraid that if I go see the midwife tomorrow and let her check me, she will try to strip my membranes. I would decline my pelvic but part of me is even afraid of me wanting her to! When I look at it logically, I know it is not a risk I want to take but when I think about just wanting to have this baby ASAP it seems like it's not as big of a deal as induction. I will probably just see if I can put my appt off until Wednesday and hopefully it will happen all on it's own before then.

I guess this is where I have to just accept that I could be pregnant a few days more and let go of my fears. I love giving birth, and I love testing my faith in my own body. I know that even if I have a long labor that I will be able to move through it and deliver a beautiful baby. I know that it will make me a stronger person. I know I will learn more about myself during the process.